Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.

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Remember when movies felt real, and foreheads could wrinkle.

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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment.

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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk.

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If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house?

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Love is in the air fryer.

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“Overdressed” is a social construct created by hating girls.

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Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track.

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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

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The lion does not concern himself with the few small drops of pee that got on his boxers at the urinal even after he did a few shakes to be sure.

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First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.