TULSA—In a groundbreaking study released Wednesday, researchers concluded that living a full life on an empty stomach is, in fact, impossible. “Turns out, dreams and ambitions are not as nourishing as a solid breakfast,” said Dr. Lynn Forsythe. The study’s participants reported a marked increase in life fulfillment after consuming a carb-rich diet.

The study discovered the essential role of caloric intake in achieving intrinsic happiness. “The subjects who resisted food quickly became philosophers, pondering the meaning of life without snacks,” Forsythe explained. The drastic shift in participant life philosophy from ‘live, laugh, love’ to ‘live, loaf, lunch’ has food psychologists intrigued.

According to Forsythe, the implications are enormous. “We’ll soon be recommending food pyramids in dating apps alongside Starbucks locations.” Meanwhile, global food conglomerates are already in talks to sponsor motivational seminars, aiming to bridge the gap between life goals and grilled cheese sandwiches.