The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

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Red Bull doesn’t give me wings, it gives me gas.

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You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

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Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

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The word ‘stan’ comes from the Eminem song “Stan” which is about one of his obsessed fans. What if Eminem named the fan ‘Dennis’? We could be saying, “I dennis Beyonce.”

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Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day, we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

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I don’t care if my parents are disappointed in me, I’m not impressed by them either.

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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

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If you need me, I’ll be in the shower pretending I can sing.

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The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.