The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

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If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class… it never ends.

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You’re a “haha” girl, and I’m an “lol” guy. It just wouldn’t work.

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Cleaning your glasses is like changing from 360p to 1080p.

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If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favorite songs.

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My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

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Warning: not watching the news may lead to a heightened sense of joy, security, and optimism.

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My life started becoming a mess when I was put in charge of my own bedtime.

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Dear brain, please finally learn the difference between hunger and boredom. I’m getting fat.

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My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

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Cheating on a partner should affect your credit score.