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Withholding sex from you people isnโ€™t working.

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What must a pancake think when it’s being flipped? Doubtless something jolly.

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Twitter is like a psych ward with no staff.

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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

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I need to consult the woods about this.

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Why is it called โ€œfree timeโ€ when I use it to spend all my money?

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Iโ€™m no Hobbit, but I do often walk blindly into some rather dodgy situations.

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You ask a girl if she ate, and she gon say, “Yeah, I had my coffee.”

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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

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I’m trying to be awesome today, but I’m too exhausted from being so awesome yesterday.

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The worst thing I’ve seen as a paramedic is my paycheck.

The worst thing I’ve seen as a paramedic is my paycheck.

Commentary:
Seeing a paycheck after a tough day be like: "Is this a joke or a cry for help? ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ’ธ" Remember, laughter is the best medicine – unfortunately, it doesn't pay the bills!



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