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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this Thanksgiving party started.

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My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

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If I sing “Hello” and you think of “Lionel Richie” and not “Adele,” then you can probably predict the weather with one of your knees.

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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early, if you ask me.

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Opening a Star Wars pub called Bar Bar Binks.

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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like four commandments.

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The only thing that drains faster than my phone battery is my bank account.

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Humans are just chaos wrapped in meat, going bananas on caffeine.

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Perhaps the best thing about getting older is that I no longer want to know everything.

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Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.