When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.

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First rule for the new year is to not dwell on what went wrong this year.

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Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

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Once you realize that no one really cares how you’re doing, it becomes much easier to answer the question.

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America is like that TV show that’s been on for too long, and the writers don’t know what to do, so they just make anything happen.

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The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

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Girls ask for help to open a jar, but can throw a couch during an argument.

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Welcome to your 50s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

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I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on LinkedIn.

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Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

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People in their late 20s and early 30s are like “this is my emotional support trip to Japan.”