When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

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People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

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The goal is never Gucci bags. It’s acres of land.

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If I shook my head at every stupid thing I saw, I’d have permanent whiplash.

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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair.

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What makes us human is selecting all images with traffic lights.

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They should invent a man who is being genuine when he says things to me.

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I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn’t wear deodorant.

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Another fine day ruined by responsibilities.

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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask.