New funny day jokes

• There is no physical evidence to say that today is Tuesday, we all just have to trust that someone kept count since the first one ever.

• ADHD is when you buy a blender and then make smoothies every day for 2 weeks, and then never make one or even acknowledge your blender ever again.

• Shout out to the people getting $400 hotel rooms on Feb 14th to do the same two positions they do at home.

• Every day I tell myself, “You got this,” and every day, “this” gets weirder.

• Gonna toot my own horn here because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies.

• I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

• What do you mean it’s Monday? We just had Monday. This can’t be right.

• One day you said w00t for the last time, and didn’t even realize.

• No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has line danced to Achy Breaky Heart.

• Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

Top funny day jokes

• I have a sundress and no man to bend me over in it, sad day.

• It’s a beautiful day to ignore your existing problems and create new ones.

• How do I get one of those fake corporate jobs where I work remotely, get paid for responding to one email a day, and have a laptop on with Outlook or whatever open?

• Adulthood is wild. One day I’m transferring money to my savings account, and three days later, I’m transferring it out to save myself.

• Spending the day with my mom and her mom, just observing the patterns.

• I’ve accepted I’ll never retire. I’ll be working up until my funeral… probably using a vacation day for it.

• Getting an extra 20 minutes in the day when someone cancels a meeting is like finding a penny on the ground. Not gonna use it for anything, but wow, am I excited.

• I need you to think about me 23/7. You get 1 hour a day for yourself.

• It’s never too early to be sad about having to work the next day.

• Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.

Popular funny day jokes

• Do people still actually eat 3 meals a day, or do we all just survive off of stress and iced coffee?

• People out there having five-year plans, and here I am waking up just hoping I remember what day it is.

• You can’t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.

• One day you burned a CD for the last time and didn’t even realize it.

• There’s no post-breakup healing process for girls. You just wake up one day and be like, “Ew,” and you’re free.

• Bro to bro: Never get your haircut on the day of a special event.

• The closest I get to a spa day is when I’m draining pasta, and the steam smacks me in the face.

• I hate when people ask me, “What did you do today?” Like, buddy, listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don’t know.

• It feels like it costs $100 a day just to exist anymore.

• I am “We read the newspaper front to back every single day,” years old.

More funny day jokes

• They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?

• The night terrors don’t scare me half as much as the day terrors.

• French is bullshit. They keep changing the translation of ‘soup du jour’ each day.

• Another day waiting, and wishing, and wanting.

• Sometimes all you need is a Saturday to sleep, eat, and do absolutely nothing else all day.

• Every day is leg day when you’re running from your problems.

• I wish I was as tired at bedtime as I am at 2 p.m. on any given day.

• The human brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 from the day we’re born and only stops when you’re taking a test or speaking to someone attractive.

• I’m not gonna have a bad day. The day is gonna have a bad me.

• Wanna know a real adult life hack? Don’t tell anyone when you have a day off. Absolutely no one.

Witty day jokes

• When I die, I hope it’s early in the morning, so I don’t have to go to work that day for no reason.

• Every day is a D-Day, if you’re a stutterer.

• I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

• The only ‘survival horror’ game I play is called ‘getting up every day and leaving the house.

• Adulthood is just waking up tired one day, and then being tired forever after that.

• You can say “Have a nice day,” no problem, but saying “Enjoy the next 24 hours” sounds vaguely threatening.

• Microdosing hell by checking the web every day.

• Sunday is proof that time travel exists, because it was just Friday.

• Have you ever accidentally opened your front-facing camera, and it ruined your day a little?

• Rest here, weary doom-scroller, you’ve seen enough bullshit for one day.