New funny never jokes

• There is no reason to be a people pleaser. People are never pleased.

• If you’ve never been hit with gay allegations, you’re not fly enough.

• We just accepted air fryers and never once questioned how air fries things.

• Eating Chinese takeout is never as depressing as in the movies. It usually is good.

• There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair.

• ADHD is when you buy a blender and then make smoothies every day for 2 weeks, and then never make one or even acknowledge your blender ever again.

• Just gave my boyfriend an incorrect direction in the car, and he sighed and muttered to himself, “Never assign to malice what can be attributed to incompetence.”

• I’ve never used a semicolon with 100% confidence.

• Hanging out with a couple and saying, “May this love never find me,” every time there’s a slight conflict.

• Never in my life have I heard my dad sneeze at an acceptable volume.

Top funny never jokes

• I’ve never found a “Remember Me” checkbox that works. Nothing remembers me.

• I’ve accepted I’ll never retire. I’ll be working up until my funeral… probably using a vacation day for it.

• Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, clearly never paid for a divorce.

• This too shall pass. And then some other bullshit will come and take its place. It never fucking ends.

• This Monday is Mondaying like it’s never Mondayed before.

• The egg doesn’t swim to the sperm, girl. Never chase a man.

• I literally never want to be the bigger person again. We can both go to hell.

• It’s never too early to be sad about having to work the next day.

• Whatever happened calorically this weekend can never happen again.

• Every time I use self-checkout, the person in front of me has never used self-checkout, touchscreens, or money before.

Popular funny never jokes

• Never trust a man that’s good at flirting. He’s had too much practice.

• After a month away and enough pasta to scare an Italian grandma, I can confirm: too much Parmesan? Never heard of her.

• Breaking News: No matter how close you are with your colleagues, never discuss your personal matters at work. Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

• Being late to work should never be that serious. At least I came?

• Every group chat has that one person who never replies, and it’s me.

• I’ve never wrestled an angry alligator, but I have taken off a wet sports bra in the middle of summer. So, same thing.

• After you’ve been married a long time, you become able to communicate nonverbally. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why we never speak.

• I have never seen a sad person sliding down a water slide.

• Bro to bro: Never get your haircut on the day of a special event.

• I’m never really sure what to do with my hands when I go jogging, so I don’t go jogging.

More funny never jokes

• One thing I will never understand about adulthood is how I’m supposed to make appointments if I work full time and every place closes at 6 p.m.

• Is it cool if I come into your life and just never leave, like a stray cat?

• I’m so old and have never even met a woman named Jolene. I’d really like to find her, though. She can have my man.

• I’m upset that my parents never got rich enough for me to become a socialist.

• My whole life, I never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent or put glue in my hair, somehow I just knew.

• “There’s something beautifully intimate about never speaking to a person again.”

• I actually love talking to strangers, they will unknowingly say some shit that shifts your perspective, and you never see them again.

• My favourite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it, and then I never find it again.

• My mom didn’t raise a fool. Possibly a psycho, but never a fool.

• I finally used a screw from the random screw collection I’ve been accumulating for 25 years, and I’ve never felt so alive.

Witty never jokes

• This morning, like every morning, he practiced his quick draw of his finger guns in the bathroom mirror, because you just never know.

• I feel like whoever named them rice cakes has never actually eaten a cake.

• The man who invented the Ferris wheel never met the man who invented the merry-go-round. They traveled in different circles.

• Solitude never hits you with unsolicited opinions.

• Some people peak in high school. I peaked when I realized I never had to see them again.

• Women love deciding to never talk to you again, and actually do it.

• Why trust atoms? Because they’ve never been caught fibbing, just fission.

• You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising.

• Nobody watches you harder than people who don’t like you, so give them a show they will never forget.

• My hobbies include adding things to my cart, and never buying them.