New funny parenting jokes

• Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

• Once I started spending my own money, I realized my mom was right. We do have food at home.

• My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

• I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler?

• My favorite part of parenting is when they’re asleep.

• “Easy like Sunday morning” is something people with no kids say.

• Maybe Baby wants to be put in the corner.

• My child has entered the “Why?” stage of linguistic development, and I’ve realized I know absolutely nothing.

• What wine pairs well with the kids being stuck inside during a heat wave?

• Parent hack: Shut your child’s bedroom door to make your house cleaner.

Top funny parenting jokes

• Kids: making things way more difficult when they don’t have to be, since the dawn of man.

• Parenting a teenager is surreal because you’ll be sitting there, and some dude who is much taller than you will walk around the corner and ask you how to open a popcorn bag.

• Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

• Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

• Regrettably, my children appear to have befriended a child I find annoying.

• When you realize your punishments as a kid (stay home, take a nap, no junk food, go to bed early) are now your goals as an adult.

• The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

• I’m surviving motherhood, one teenage meltdown at a time.

• My son loves Monty Python. My work here is done.

• Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

Popular funny parenting jokes

• My teenager has really expensive taste for someone who can’t afford to buy their own toothpaste.

• You know when a donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That’s what it’s like having kids.

• My children are very helpful. For example, when I ask them to do something, they suggest a different child that could do it instead.

• Are there cheat codes for parenting teenagers? This level is really hard.

• None of the parenting books say what to do when your kids start calling you ‘Bruh.’

• Legend says that when you’re overwhelmed and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, a small child will appear and tell you that you made their sandwich wrong.

• Being a parent means hearing a noise at 3 a.m. and hoping it’s just a ghost and not your toddler getting up again.

• Maybe your baby is crying because he knows you don’t have rizz.

• If my toddler doesn’t sleep again tonight, I’m running away into the forest.

• Mothers be doing unnecessary housework and then get mad at you when they’re tired.

More funny parenting jokes

• “Mom, how did we get so rich?” your father said, “Thanks, nothing from my end,” on thousands of important Zoom meetings.

• I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes.

• One of the toughest jobs in parenting is serving the inevitable eviction notice on your kid’s pillow fort.

• My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

• Expecting your first baby’s exciting, but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

• There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

• All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

• I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

• I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip.

• Dad Hack: Get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Witty parenting jokes

• 38% of being a dad is sitting in a car, looking at your watch, and waiting for everybody else to come out.

• The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

• Hanging out with your parents as an adult is so interesting, cause it’s like, “Oh, so that’s why I’m like this.”

• As a child, my family’s mealtime menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

• Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad: “Wait in the truck.”

• Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

• The opposite of “taking candy from a baby” is “putting sunscreen on a toddler.”

• My kid’s superpower is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it.

• The pointless tidy-up before a play date.

• The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.