Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding ‘experts say’ at the beginning.

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Someone told me I wasn’t thinking clearly, as if that’s even an option.

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That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

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It should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. Like, no, I shut it off and back on again. Why are you still here?

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I’m officially at the age where I’m not upgrading my phone until it stops working.

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Sleep is a beautiful thing. You don’t miss anyone, you can’t do anything wrong and you simply feel nothing.

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I’m starting to think the real hell is just being stuck in an infinite loop of self-doubt and bad life choices.

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If I had The Force, I’d just use it to open pistachios.

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Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

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Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

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The role I play at family gatherings is that of the cousin that doesn’t show up anymore.