Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.

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My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

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When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom.

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Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient.

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Being insane should at least burn calories.

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My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

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According to the smoke alarm, the food is ready.

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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

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People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning. Chill out! You aren’t a Teletubby.

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I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode.

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I’m tired of adding ‘LOL’ to the end of my texts for sensitive people.