New funny humor quotes

• Guy inventing jogging: how can I suffer, but with music?

• I need someone to look at me the way I look at memes.

• Apparently “Spite” is not an appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

• The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

• Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.

• You are the Monday of my life.

• You now have the chance to be the first person to send me nudes.

• I’m at the age where unnecessary noise be pissing me off.

• I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

• There are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

Top funny humor quotes

• If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.

• Karma not moving fast enough for me. I would hate to handle it myself, Lord.

• I love ordering things online because when they arrive it’s like a present from me to me.

• Half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer.

• Somewhere there’s a girl ignoring 15 guys for a guy who gives her no attention.

• I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

• Yawning is the body’s way of telling you it has only 15% battery remaining.

• Dear phone, if you didn’t light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn’t have died so quickly!

• You can’t spell disappointment without me.

• My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Popular funny humor quotes

• Home: Where I can look ugly and not care.

• Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

• I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

• My immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter.

• I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable.

• If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

• I live in my own little world. But it’s ok, they know me here.

• When my sister drives, I am NOT passenger princess, I am a survivor.

• Listen kid, I have social media profiles older than you.

• So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

More funny humor quotes

• I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

• You know you’re mature when you go to the dentist and you are no longer afraid of pain, but of how much it costs.

• Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

• To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!

• Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

• Single in the womb, single till the tomb!

• Life is hard. It is harder if you are stupid.

• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

• My parents think they know me.

• Once you start paying rent, every joke stops being funny.

Witty humor quotes

• Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

• I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

• Sure sex is cool, but have you ever farted away a stomachache?

• The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

• Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss, you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

• “Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.

• Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

• Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

• I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me.

• Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

Funny humor quotes remind us that laughter truly is the best medicine 💊😂. Whenever life throws a curveball ⚾, a good laugh can turn it into a hilarious story to tell later 📖. These gems brighten conversations 🗨️, lighten heavy moments 🌤️, and bring people closer together 🤗. Bookmark your favorites, share them with friends 👯‍♂️, and keep the good vibes rolling 🚀. Because at the end of the day, a good sense of humor makes everything a bit more bearable and a lot more fun 😆.