Boobs always win. That’s why we don’t play rock, paper, boobs.

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The masculine urge to make a woman sit through a YouTube video that she will not find funny or entertaining.

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Not sure who needs to hear this, but make your bloody bed.

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Every time I have to repeat myself, a new curse word gets added into the sentence.

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Don’t think my brain is braining properly today.

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Getting out of bed should count as resistance training.

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If you want to make your mother proud, make her my mother-in-law.

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Them: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Me: Pass the money over here, I like to be sad.

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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

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I don’t have time for anything that doesn’t set my soul on fire.

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At what age do I delete Snapchat?