56 funny humorous quotes - Wordgag

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

May 23, 2026

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man.

May 22, 2026

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

May 21, 2026

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

May 21, 2026

Are you gonna meow for me or what, bro?

Apr 1, 2026

I just want to find someone that gets annoyed by the same things as I do.

Mar 30, 2026

I would like to opt out of WW3, por favor.

Mar 30, 2026

Sorry, I’m late. I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind.

Mar 30, 2026

The streets are not for me. I belong in an enchanted forest, eating berries, and talking to my animal friends.

Mar 30, 2026

Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

Mar 30, 2026

Can I come over and circle you like a vulture?

Mar 30, 2026

Do you think working at Pizza Hut would help you get a job at Sunglass Hut? You know, with all that hut experience?

Mar 30, 2026

In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.

Mar 30, 2026

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet.

Mar 30, 2026

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

Mar 30, 2026

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise.

Mar 30, 2026

“It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are the same song from different points of view.

Mar 30, 2026

Yabba dabba doo used to be a rad way to start a Saturday.

Mar 30, 2026

When I trip, I always look back to see who or what did it, because it couldn’t have possibly been my fault.

Mar 30, 2026

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money, I’d become a professional nap taker.

Mar 30, 2026

I should have peed before I left, and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Mar 30, 2026

Boobs always win. That’s why we don’t play rock, paper, boobs.

Mar 30, 2026

Grocery stores should have baskets in the middle of the store for those “I really overestimated how much I can carry” moments.

Mar 30, 2026

There should be a variant of fencing with two guys trying to kiss one another.

Mar 30, 2026

If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Mar 30, 2026

We’ve got a shituation here.

Mar 30, 2026

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun not to be able to open that drawer.

Mar 30, 2026

Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

Mar 30, 2026

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Mar 30, 2026

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ’Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

Mar 30, 2026

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Mar 30, 2026

Sometimes I say “huh,” then answer the question before you can repeat your question.

Mar 30, 2026

Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.

Mar 30, 2026

I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

Mar 30, 2026

If I say, “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared peer-reviewed research, data, and charts, and I will destroy you.

Mar 30, 2026

If you say something while exhaling smoke, it is 10 times more profound.

Mar 30, 2026

I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

Mar 30, 2026

The ugliest version of me is the version that comes out when I play board games. I don’t know who she is, but she is a monster. She is not fit for human interaction.

Mar 30, 2026

Beware. There are people in the grocery store that you know who want to chat with you. Stay vigilant.

Mar 30, 2026

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

Mar 30, 2026