Adulting is realizing you can’t skip work like you skipped school.

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Asking the waiter for her phone number and then texting her “can I have more coffee?” two minutes later.

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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was running late due to circumstances completely within my control.

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Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

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Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

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She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

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Establish dominance by asking your dentist if he’s flossing everyday.

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My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

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Could someone please come over here and be the adult? I’m too tired.

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Being loved right feels like telepathy and a little bit of witchcraft.