Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

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“You’re a psychopath!” At least I’m on a path, babe, sort your life out.

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My sleeping pattern ain’t even a pattern anymore, it’s a freestyle that’s on shuffle.

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The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy, so I guess I’m also my best friend.

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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the TV to get a clearer picture.

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One of the biggest struggles of being an adult is deciding what to make for supper. Every. Single. Night.

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Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

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Being sober would be a lot easier if I liked myself.

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I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair.