My boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner, “sometime,” so now we have to move.

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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

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Filling my PEZ dispenser with Ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief.

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Take your days off, these jobs don’t care about you.

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My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.

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People who shower at night are bold enough to assume tomorrow’s even happening.

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I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

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IKEA products should be cheaper, I’m doing all the work here. It’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives.

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Dude, we’re gonna be treating others how we want to be treated later if you wanna pull up.

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If adulting had a return policy, I’d use it immediately.

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I have good problem-solving skills, but my problem-creating skills are where I really shine.