Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn-on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud,’ but they will be, oh, they will be.

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I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

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Girls these days are like a box of chocolates. Some have nuts.

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I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn’t wear deodorant.

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Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks!

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The worst part about going to work is the part where you have to go to work.

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I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs.

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I’m not even doomscrolling anymore; I’m just regular scrolling, and everything’s doomed.

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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

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Your email finds me deeply unwell. Teetering on the edge really.

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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.