Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do, and somehow we must all watch videos of it.

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I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognized him by lunch time.

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Tonight, my poor liver has to pay again for what went wrong during the week.

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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

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My love language is deader than Latin.

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My running speed is very slow because the Discman wasn’t allowed to shake in the past.

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There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes “o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra”. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”.

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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

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Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer.

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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

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I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.