The only thing worse than a nightmare is waking up from a great dream before you get to see how it ends.

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The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

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I’d be a horrible stalker… I’m always late.

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Vaping: When you feel like smoking but don’t want to look cool.

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Cleaning the kitchen, but saw the laundry, so I watered a plant, and now I’m making a dentist appointment.

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The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

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I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener.

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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

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My favorite part of Spring is its rolls.

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If she has Bukowski on her nightstand, she will devour you.

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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my posts is a you problem.