Got a botched circumcision, now my willy wonka.

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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words. “Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

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I tried to act normal once, worst five minutes of my life.

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If Dracula had a cat, she’d be the one sleeping in the coffin.

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The best proof that fairy tales are fictional is the fact that the prince is always an intelligent and handsome single man.

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My favorite yoga pose is reaching for the remote control on the far end of the table without falling off the couch.

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What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished”, must have fed some seagulls.

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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them.

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Stay an extra hour in the office and no one cares. Arrive a few minutes late and everyone loses their minds.

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Happy new fear!