CHICAGO—Feeling befuddled by the workweek, locals are puzzled by how the week spells out “WTF” after Tuesday. “I spent 40 years focusing on Monday,” said George Timman, a local calendar enthusiast. “Turns out Wednesday had been tricking us all along.”

“It’s a government conspiracy, I’m sure of it,” said resident conspiracy theorist, Linda Brevil. “They distract you with a three-day weekend while plotting Thursday’s alphabet machinations. I mean, why does the week even start with an ‘M’ anyway?”

Sources claim investigations are stalled, as council members debate why Friday isn’t renamed “Fun-day.” “By next week, we’re expecting shocking revelations,” added Timman, “like how Saturday and Sunday spell ‘SS’—who knew weekend craziness was a secret alliteration?”