BUFFALO—Local man Jerry Henderson confidently sipped his third cup of green tea Thursday, assuring his skeptical family that the beverage was about to fix every conceivable issue affecting their lives. “I’m essentially a health guru now,” Henderson declared, already planning to leave his antidepressants behind.

The 34-year-old claims that green tea’s ancient wisdom promises to combat everything from his toddler’s tantrums to his old sedan’s engine troubles. “It’s all about positive energy,” he said, pausing to steep another teabag for maximum effect.

As Henderson propped the car hood open with his steaming mug, neighbors were unimpressed. “I’m just waiting for him to start yelling at traffic with chamomile,” neighbor Sue remarked, noting his prior “miracle fix” endeavors like a wheatgrass smoothie cult. Meanwhile, Henderson remains hopeful, convinced society simply underestimates the power of antioxidants.