BIRMINGHAM—In a bold proclamation, area resident Graham Tuttle declared himself the “Single-ist Man Earth Has Ever Seen,” challenging others to surpass his level of unattached existence. “I dare you to try and be more single than me,” boasted Tuttle, proudly holding an almanac of every local dating app.

Despite efforts by fellow singles, Tuttle insists his status remains unbeatable. “They said being single was a phase,” he scoffed, clutching his tenth fish dinner for one. “But I’m here, a living ghost emoji.”

In a dance worthy of Olympic recognition, Tuttle has taken to practicing the solo Tango and adopting imaginary pets. He states, “My cactus understands me more than any human could.” Rumors suggest a potential championship title in Competitive Loneliness, but Tuttle denied enrollment: “I work alone, obviously.”