BENDIGO—Research from an esteemed plastic surgeon has locals questioning the very fabric of their understanding. “We should thank heaven for nipples,” Dr. Joan Wobble declared. “Without them, boobs would be pointless,” she continued, dumbfounding her surgical peers.

Reverberations of Dr. Wobble’s discovery shook many medical professionals. “We always assumed they were ornamental,” one confused surgeon admitted. “This changes everything we know about human architecture and aesthetics.”

As congress prepares hearings on this groundbreaking research, nipples could become a hot topic in debates. “Imagine if our elbows had their own nipples,” mused local philosopher Greg Knickers, considering a future where body parts held unexpected purposes. “The possibilities are astounding and goosebumpy.”