PEORIA—A 32-year-old accountant shocked peers this week by announcing that although she is technically still young, her back has seceded from her body and now identifies as a 69-year-old spine. “I was blindsided by this independent declaration,” she reported. “Apparently, my spine has been plotting this for years, just waiting for bending over to tie my shoes to trigger a full takeover.”

In a bureaucratic twist, health insurance companies are scrambling to address the unusual dual-status situation. The accountant’s chiropractor, Dr. Elaine Rigby, elaborated, saying, “While her youthful self qualifies for low premiums, we now have an elderly spine demanding a senior discount at every therapy session. Honestly, this spine is the most ambitious vertebrae set I’ve ever seen.”

As the young accountant grapples with managing stacks of turmeric supplements and icy hot patches, the spine has expressed bold new plans to join a ‘Del Boca Vista’ retirement community in Florida. “I suspect my neck is in on this coup,” stated the accountant regretfully, “though for now, it’s happy just scotching the occasional rooftop karaoke night with early curfews.”