BIRMINGHAM—In a groundbreaking study, sleep scientists at the University of Birmingham announced Monday that a 72-hour nap might be the “ultimate cure” for modern life. “I’m pretty sure I need to go back to bed and sleep for 3 days,” stated lead researcher Dr. Dreary Eyelids, noting that their findings suggest persistent yawning can be a life navigational technique.

“We’ve identified a direct correlation between not giving a hoot about the alarm clock and achieving true nirvana,” explained Eyelids. He emphasized that many people reportedly experience enlightenment after the first 36 hours of horizontal thought. “Beta-testers described the experience as ‘productive existential drifting,’ unlike anything they had priorly snoozed.”

However, critics question the validity of the study, claiming the methodology was merely an excuse for prolonged dozing. Many participants vanished after the research concluded, possibly setting up new lives within their REM cycles. “If anyone asks,” Dr. Eyelids whispered, “I’m in an extended consultation with my mattress.”