STOKE-ON-TRENT—Residents across the country are reportedly concerned after realizing their diets may lead to existential dilemmas. “The thought that I might become a pizza is horrifying,” said local resident Emma Wright while clutching a pepperoni slice. “The last thing I need is to turn into something so… cheesy.”

This unprecedented panic erupted after a study revealed that 98% of diets include substances that nobody wants to embody, like chips, instant noodles, and kale. “Becoming a disappointment is just the tip of the iceberg,” commented food scientist Dr. Lionel Curry. “Imagine turning into broccoli. It’s not appealing.”

To combat this rising fear, some citizens are rethinking their eating habits. “I switched to eating goals and ambitions,” claimed motivational speaker Brad Munch, now on his 14th vision board smoothie. Meanwhile, the government is considering labeling foods with potential identity outcomes to help consumers avoid identity crises written all over their faces.