BOISE—After years of sleepless nights, local resident Mark Jensen has finally diagnosed himself with a chronic case of “awesomnia.” Jensen claims this rare condition keeps him awake due to the sheer magnitude of his greatness. “I was tossing and turning all night thinking, ‘Wow, I’m really incredible,'” Jensen explained, struggling to keep his eyes open.

Doctors were baffled by Jensen’s condition, as traditional sleep aids failed to subdue his overachieving mind. “Counting sheep just reminded me of my brilliant ability to use math in daily life,” Jensen lamented. Friends have tried suggesting meditation, but Jensen only interprets silent moments as personal standing ovations.

As a last resort, Jensen has begun wearing noise-canceling headphones playing recordings of his own affirming self-talk to soothe himself into slumber. “It’s ironic,” Jensen noted, “because listening to how awesome I am is the only thing that calms my awesomnia—but then again, I suppose I’d be great at irony too.”