OGDEN—In a groundbreaking shift in self-care routines, area resident Tom Branson claims to have perfected a new method of meditation that involves a profound sense of lethargy. “Instead of waking up with purpose, I let the ceiling absorb all existential dread,” Branson explained, noting the practice begins with pondering life’s necessities, none of which include getting out of bed.

Supported by a growing number of enthusiasts, Branson’s approach has been praised for its simplicity and universal appeal. “You don’t need incense or yoga mats,” said fellow ceiling aficionado Jen Harmon. “Just the oppressive weight of realizing you’re supposed to face another day. It’s a comforting reminder that sometimes it’s okay to just lie down and let formal responsibility float away.”

Branson is now pioneering the ‘Horizontal Enlightenment’ movement, advocating ten additional minutes of ceiling discussion to debate personal ambitions. “People think they need to live every day, but I’m here to suggest that ceilings have been underestimated as life coaches,” Branson mused, announcing plans to host a TED Talk entirely from his bed.