SPRINGFIELD—In an attempt to boost self-worth, bottled water brands are turning to motivational literature. “It’s time we stop viewing ourselves as mere pond scum,” declared a spokesperson for Dasani. With sales of “How To Hydrate Your Inner Fiji” skyrocketing, industry insiders predict a wave of enlightened bottles rolling out.

The movement has led to Evian proclaiming its newfound confidence. “We’re not just water; we’re lifestyle visionaries,” said Evian’s PR rep, clutching a copy of “Getting Sparkling with Self-Confidence.” Meanwhile, store shelves struggle to accommodate the flood of spiritually aware waters.

Experts speculate that the market upswing might force lesser liquids to embrace self-improvement too. “We expect tap water to soon identify as Evian’s cousin,” said market analyst, Brenda Wells, noting the rising number of water therapy workshops in local lakes. “Who knew H₂O had such feelings?” commented Bemused Brita executive.