BOULDER—In a groundbreaking revelation, a recent study published in the Journal of Probable Correlations posits a direct link between thigh circumference and life expectations. “The results are undeniable,” sighed Dr. Jamie Fenton, head researcher. “For every inch of thigh increase, the probability of achieving personal dreams appears to shrink dramatically.”

Researchers spent years meticulously measuring thighs and surveying dreams, but what began as nutritional analysis veered candidly. “At this point, we advise our subjects to focus on leg day only if they want to lower their life goals,” admitted Fenton. “Turns out bulky quadriceps often backfire on career aspirations.”

Still, some hopefuls refuse to abandon their aspirations. Chloe Sanders, who participated in the study, defiantly declared, “I may never reach my dream job at NASA, but at least I’ll never be caught without a seat on a crowded bus.” The quest for balance between physical and existential gains continues.