TOPEKA—Area resident Kyle Duncan has reportedly uncovered the exact formula governing his self-esteem, citing it as “2% cute and 98% ugly,” in a groundbreaking revelation for facial arithmetic. “I’ve just accepted my fate as an unfortunate math problem,” Duncan confessed, noting his desire to adopt rounding errors as a future coping mechanism.

Rather than despair, Duncan expressed relief at solving a lifelong equation. “I finally understand why my mirror fogs up, it’s trying to spare me the full equation,” he explained, leaning on the charm of cold, hard numbers. He even suggested new friends take up his 2% approach to unlock self-confidence at fractions of the cost.

Local math enthusiast Martha Gill expressed her admiration for Duncan’s rigor. “He’s redefined beauty standards with the simplest calculus and a penny for the cute thoughts,” she marveled. Inspired, Duncan plans to expand his formula into related self-quantifiers such as humor ratio and ‘personality per square inch.’