LOUISVILLE—Dennis Wetherby, a 34-year-old IT specialist, has officially been declared the world’s most ignored man. “Honestly, my own name should practically be embedded in terms and conditions,” said a resigned Wetherby, who claims even his dog went deaf when he tried teaching it to respond to simple commands.

Since receiving his title, Wetherby has embraced the overlooked life with surprising gusto, even posting his thoughts in lengthy Facebook statuses that no one ever reads. “At this point, I could confess my deepest secrets, and they’d be as invisible as a ‘cancel anytime’ clause,” he chuckled, blogging to an audience of zero.

Encouraged by his unfortunate talent, Wetherby is now negotiating a deal to do voiceovers for Apple’s latest privacy policies. “I find peace in knowing no one will ever hear what I have to say,” he admitted. There is, reportedly, already a waiting list for the unheard albums of “Dennis’ Disclaimer Disco.”