DULUTH—In a stunning display of self-awareness, local teenager Kyle Thompson confessed Thursday that he is, without a doubt, “bad at everything.” The 17-year-old reportedly made this revelation while trying to adjust his skate helmet at the mall food court. “What’s cooler than admitting crippling inadequacy?” Kyle asked, adding that his ‘bad’ persona is all about setting the lowest expectations possible.

Despite Kyle’s apparent lack of skill, his peers are undeniably enchanted. “He’s the worst skateboarder I’ve ever seen, but in a kind of mesmerizing way,” said friend Sarah Miller, who watched in awe as Kyle attempted to do a trick and ended up bruising his ego more than his knees. “He really leans into his limitations,” she added, nodding approvingly.

As his reputation of incompetence grows, so does his fanbase, with rumors circulating that Kyle’s next move is to host motivational seminars on how to be proudly underwhelming. “If you can’t be good at life, be bad with style,” Kyle declared, before trying to backflip into a fountain and, predictably, failing with grace. His future plans include trying to grow a mustache and other wildly impractical ambitions.