TUCSON—In a revealing interview, local resident Greg Walters admitted to establishing a private operation aimed at expediting karma’s timeline. “Karma’s not moving fast enough for me,” Walters confessed, sporting a DIY Karmic Adjustment Task Force badge.

Neighbors grew suspicious after noticing daily deliveries of cosmic balance charts and incense. “I would hate to handle it myself, Lord,” he reportedly muttered during a full moon vigil.

Authorities have been baffled by his equipment, including a treadmill labeled ‘Run Faster, Karma!’ “It’s like he thinks karma’s on slug-time,” said Police Chief Barbara Klemens. Walters’ self-directed divine retribution agency was shut down, as karmic justice, thankfully, remains in more capable hands.