TOPEKA—Career counselors nationwide reported concern after a recent study revealed no substantial employment opportunities for individuals pursuing a future as ‘a piece of shit.’ “I’ve tried everything,” said local aspiring failure Carl Mudge, “but apparently, consistently underperforming isn’t the hot new startup I thought it was.”

Area high schools are now scrambling to adjust curricula to steer students away from what many consider a dead-end path. “We always advised children to follow their dreams,” said career advisor Linda Flufferton, “but we didn’t imagine those dreams involved a lifestyle of unapologetic lethargy and dishonesty.” Educators are consulting with leading “successful adults” to better tailor guidance programs.

Meanwhile, the National Institute of Professional Mediocrity has rebranded as the Competent Individual Initiative, promising to help self-proclaimed pieces of shit find a semblance of dignity. “We used to champion aggressive loafers,” said spokesperson Diana Doolittle, “but it seems the market for smarmy slackers just isn’t what it used to be.”