TOPEKA—In a bold business move, local café owner Alan Driscoll announced the launch of a new on-site bone-breaking service. “We’re saving relationships one fractured radius at a time,” said Driscoll, noting the café’s dedication to heart health. “It’s just common sense—one heart, 206 potential scapegoats.”
The initiative has within days become the talk of the town, with couples lining up around the block. “When arguments escalate, we’ll offer them a menu of fracture options,” explained barista Janet Cruz, who now doubles as an orthopedic consultant.
Local hospitals have reported a spike in business, coinciding with the café’s new service. “I haven’t seen this many wrist splints since skateboarding went viral,” noted Dr. Greg Thompson, Topeka’s orthopedic frontman. As a precaution, Alan has considered adding bubble wrap armrests to all café chairs.