Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

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Isn’t it weird we have a little voice in our head, like the one you’re using to read this?

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The first step to recovery is addiction.

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Everyone else time traveling: Preventing wars or the spread of disease. Me: Buying multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making.

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If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money, I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

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Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader.

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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

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When a lady compliments your facial hair, have the goddamn decency to compliment hers.

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Massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost, and that shut the conversation down pretty quick.

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Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

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The ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives).