Nearly choked on a carrot. A donut would never do that to me.

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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

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Every single bad day happened because I woke up.

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Girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

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Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just water.

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Today’s toddlers can switch on laptops and use apps. When I was little, I ate sand.

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Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

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If they treat you like an option, leave them like a choice, and make your exit as dramatic as a Netflix season finale.

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Instagram is literally just screenshots of Twitter.

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I never give second chances, just 10 and then goodbye.

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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.