ALBANY—Recent findings from a local think tank suggest money could alleviate precisely 69% of an average individual’s dilemmas. “We crunched the numbers,” economist Karen Delaney stated. “Turns out, cash has magical ‘problem-solving’ properties in just the right quantity.”

Survey participants identified issues solvable by money ranging from unpaid bills to “customizing my yacht with a helicopter pad,” confessed Albany’s Chad Worthington, million-dollar debt relief hopeful.

The study concludes solutions for the remaining 31% involve sacrifices, compromise, and in rare cases, “befriending Oprah,” although most respondents agreed cash wouldn’t hurt there either.