MANHATTAN—Local motivational speaker, Kevin Lowlife, proudly announced in a seminar Thursday that he has advanced from the ‘absolute bottom’ to ‘just above rock-bottom.’ “I started from the bottom, now I’m just a tad above,” Lowlife stated while sporting a slightly improved pair of sneakers.

Participants found Lowlife’s story comforting. “It’s nice to know achieving mediocrity is possible,” said attendee Sarah Middling, adding she now hopes to someday upgrade from instant noodles to canned soup.

Meanwhile, Lowlife dreams of further success. “Next year, I’m aiming for the first rung of the ladder,” Kevin continued, marveling at the prospect of two-ply toilet paper. His ambition inspires depression patients across the city to aim for lower-middle.