CINCINNATI—In a groundbreaking lack of enthusiasm, local resident Tom Driscoll has invented an alarm clock that prepares him for the future while helping him get out of bed. “How can I be ready for the future when I’m not even ready to get up in the morning?” said Driscoll, unveiling his Galactic Alarm 3000 at 2 p.m.

Determined to revolutionize morning routines, Driscoll’s device projects terrifying headlines from global newspapers onto bedroom ceilings. “From robot invasions to mutant fruit flies, it’s an inspiring wake-up call,” claimed Driscoll, noting that he now wakes up every day in a mild state of existential dread.

Industry experts are skeptical, citing potential psychological consequences. “It turns out that facing a zombie apocalypse before breakfast does wonders for punctuality,” said one analyst. Driscoll plans to release a deluxe model with blaring siren sounds from the year 2050, estimated to sell in at least zero markets.