PERTH—In a futile attempt to decipher modern dating, 34-year-old Nigel Simmons discovered his solo lifestyle wasn’t as socially advanced as he thought. “When someone suggested mingling, I assumed it meant multiplying my singleness,” Nigel explained, while nursing his fifth energy drink in his one-bedroom apartment. “Turns out, mingling involves actual human interaction, something my cat and coffee mug never mentioned.”
Friends report Nigel’s efforts to redefine social gatherings have been met with confusion. “He showed up to the last party with flashcards titled ‘Advanced Solitude’ and a lecture on ‘Managing Me Time,'” said Claire Porter, Nigel’s long-suffering friend. “I think he believes social events are networking sessions for introverts ready to dive deeper into loneliness.”
Determined to triumph over his dating dilemma, Nigel announced plans to launch a groundbreaking startup he’s calling ‘Single on Purpose.’ “It’s a mingling app that connects people comfortable with silence,” Nigel stated confidently. “Our slogan: ‘Let’s not get together sometime.’ We anticipate zero downloads, just how our users like it.”