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Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.

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I applied for a job and got it, and now I really have to go there. Crap!

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Roses are red, violets are blue, sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but no, this is just gardening facts.

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Perhaps the best thing about getting older is that I no longer want to know everything.

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I have more photos of food on my phone than I do of my children.

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Moose would have been a better name for a cow.

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Time needs a speed limit.

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And to my grandchildren, I leave my unread PDFs.

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Trying is the first step toward failure.

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Weirdos gonna weird.