BOISE—Residents at Sunny Acres Retirement Village were reportedly captivated by sprightly newcomer Ted “Skippy” Pearson, 82, who proclaims his eternal allegiance to “swag” as he effortlessly glides through corridors on Heelys. “I don’t need breaks,” said Pearson, narrowly avoiding a potted plant. “My swag rides forever, even if my hip doesn’t.”

Sunny Acres staff have been left scrambling, trying to harness Pearson’s unstoppable momentum. “We’ve installed speed limit signs,” reported exasperated nurse Wendy Grant, “But he just shouts, ‘Too slow for my flow!’ and glides right past. We’ve thought about an ankle tracking device, but Ted’s too quick for us.”

Inspirational and occasionally maddening, Pearson has become a national sensation, garnering a fan club among fellow residents. One resident, Matilda Jenkins, declared, “I may not know swag, but I know Ted is a tornado on wheels. If only he’d stop flattening my begonias. Such speed in such a small radius!”