SHEFFIELD—In a groundbreaking new initiative, the UK government’s Wellness Division has introduced a nationwide auditory phenomenon designed for stress relief. “If you listen closely,” said spokespeople at an official press conference, “you can actually hear us not caring, which studies show is incredibly soothing for those surrounded by the daily hustle and bustle.”

Officials say the soundscape features recorded ambient obliviousness, including dialogues of disinterest and faint echoes of ignoring one’s responsibilities. “When we first tested this in urban centers, it was like an invisible hug of indifference,” shared project coordinator Olivia Crump, adjusting her noise-canceling headphones. “The absence of empathy has never felt more therapeutic.”

While participants report feeling inexplicably calm, some express concerns that the initiative’s apathy-inducing undertones may lead to unintended side effects, like increased napping at work and reduced productivity. “It might be too effective—right now, I’m not even sure where or who I am,” confessed local resident Martin Toth as he reclined in a public park, absorbing the remedial resonance of nonchalance.