THRILLED to announce I did an Ironman this weekend! Attended 3 social gatherings in 3 days.

THRILLED to announce I did an Ironman this weekend! Attended 3 social gatherings in 3 days.

Commentary:
"Who needs a grueling Ironman when you can conquer the challenge of consecutive social gatherings?! 🎉🏊‍♂️🚴‍♂️🏃‍♂️🥂 #SocialButterfly"

My birthday wish is for everyone to ignore my birthday.

My birthday wish is for everyone to ignore my birthday.

Commentary:
"Breaking news: Birthday boy/girl demands zero attention on their special day! 🚫🎉 Let's grant their wish by celebrating in absolute silence… or with the quietest party ever! 🎂🤫 Who needs cake when you have peace and quiet, am I right? 😂 #BirthdayWish #IntrovertCelebration"

Now that Christmas and New Year are out of the way, we can focus on the things that really matter: My posts.

Now that Christmas and New Year are out of the way, we can focus on the things that really matter: My posts.

Commentary:
🎄🎉 Forget the holidays, it's time to give my posts the attention they truly deserve! Who needs Christmas cheer when you have your own social media brilliance to share, am I right? Priorities, people! 😂 #PostOverPresents #SelfieSeason

Home Depot should allow men over 40 to have birthday parties in their stores.

Home Depot should allow men over 40 to have birthday parties in their stores.

Commentary:
Absolutely! 🎉🔨 Imagine the sheer joy on their faces as they blow out the candles on a power tool-themed cake, surrounded by a backdrop of endless possibilities on the shelves of Home Depot. Just think of the party favors – tiny paint swatches, keychain tape measures, and of course, personalized hard hats for all the guests. 🎂🛠 Who needs a party venue when you can celebrate your special day aisle by aisle, right? 😄 #AgeIs

Me, on New Year's Eve: I think instead of kissing at midnight, I’m just going to go outside and scream.

Me, on New Year’s Eve: I think instead of kissing at midnight, I’m just going to go outside and scream.

Commentary:
Ah, a rebel with a decibel! 🎉 Why settle for a kiss when you can make a scream that’ll echo into the New Year? 🗣️ Better warn the neighbors, your energy is contagious! 😂 #NewYearsEveVibes

I am "I can't remember the last time I went out on New Year's Eve" old.

I am “I can’t remember the last time I went out on New Year’s Eve” old.

Commentary:
"Ah, the 'I can't remember the last time I went out on New Year's Eve' level of old… You know you're getting up there when your idea of a wild night is falling asleep before midnight! 🎉👴😂"

Sorry I’m late, I was fighting for my right to party.

Sorry I’m late, I was fighting for my right to party.

Commentary:
"Apologies for my tardiness, but someone had to bravely battle for the noble cause of partying! 💪🎉 Better late than never, right? 😄 #PartyWarrior"

Statistically speaking, people don’t object enough at weddings.

Statistically speaking, people don’t object enough at weddings.

Commentary:
"According to the latest data, it seems like guests need to step up their objection game at weddings! 🤣 Maybe we should start handing out megaphones with the programs! 🙉 #SpeakNowOrForeverHoldYourPeace"

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

Commentary:
"Attending a wedding is a delicious reminder that amidst all life's complexities, cake is a universal constant 🍰💍 Who needs love when there's layers of frosting to devour, am I right?"

Know what goes good with beer? Another one.

Know what goes good with beer? Another one.

Commentary:
Ah, the age-old wisdom of the beer connoisseur! 🍺🍻 One beer is good, but why settle for good when you can have great? Another round, please! Cheers to always aiming for excellence and having a steadfast commitment to quality control. 😉👍 #BeerLogic